the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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