I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
