She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
