Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
