Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
