oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
