I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
