I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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