she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
