i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
