I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
