Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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