I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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