Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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