Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
