i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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