i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
