If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
