I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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