sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
