the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
