she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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