My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize