Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
