Already got asked if we're dating
I wish I could teleport
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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