Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
