We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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