My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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