I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize