My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
