do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
