I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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