Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
