I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
