Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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