i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
