I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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