yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
