And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
