Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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