Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
