i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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