And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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