first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize