This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
