just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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