My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
