Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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