you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
