Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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