I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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