I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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