she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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