A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
