I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
