Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
