I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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